torn vision

Dear ….whatever,

Since long time, I’ve not written to you, maybe since I was a little kid Or maybe before even I was able to talk …
> Talking? What does that suppose to mean? Whatever …Can’t really recall last time ,I’ve spoken to you or even write to you such letter , I know my letters were just like a huge cup of misery that blows away the smile in your face that is drawn once you know that you’ve received a letter from me … I’ve read in some place … “ we could easily lose the ability of remembering things as we could easily lose the ability of talking , but if only we were able to forget as we are able to keep silent . “The point is we are trying to build the years , by the base of the previous memories , once these shadows blow big amount of capable thoughts, you got nothing to do but talking more and more of lexapro !! It’s not about being lost, it’s not about being unable, and it’s not about being blind,It’s about being unclear. All I know, or I pretend that I already know is that: I am living - that’s the only reason defining the state: “I’m not dead “….
Oh, I know that you are about to say now: you have to live behind this hurricane; you may watch but can never go through? What if it wasn’t a hurricane? What if it was about my own vision? Why cant I see it clear ?
laughter , love , caring , joy , hope , +ve thoughts , forgiveness ?
I feel that I have wasted too much waiting at the “waiting list “side ! I can’t even imagine myself after 5 or 10 years?
I don’t even have the gallantly that will be alive till the moment I finish this! Right now, I can do nothing but thinking, and going more and more in that deep blue vision and all I can take out of this is nothing but wasting caring . . . I care about nothing , I do even think it’s a very hard behavior to pretend that I do really care, I’m not trying to put myself in that side were victims are , ‘coz I’m the person who is unable to give , though I do rally have a lot , can’t even remember the times that I was about to vomit my stomach once I saw anything good was done by me . . . to be isolated , out of thinking , out of time , in a place where no cold , no heat , no voices , no echoes , just standing with no single effort for the rest of my life that was the biggest aim …..
Unlucky people , those who couldn’t find the way to finish once they felt that they are done … so by now I do really feel that im done ! so can you please find a murderer who is obsess with useless girls?

Till that day , where some imaginary life is exist for those people in such case like me .. . I’ll keep watching that hurricane and I promise ill never go through! .

Don’t even have to write : Yours...


Thursday, May 22, 2008 at 1:32am